Segregated Survivor: The Inside Story
The following notes were allegedly left behind by a Hollywood big shot at Hymie’s Bagel Nosh on Santa Monica Blvd. We’ll let the readers decide if this just might be the real inside story on Segregated Survivor. –Charles Coughlin
Day One
Such a brilliant idea I just had today. I’ve been stuck with all these Mexicans, Asians and Schwarzers to add “diversity” to the Survivor show. Nobody wants to see these people, but what if I separate them into racial groups, arm them with fifteenth century weapons and have them fight a battle to the death. Oy, I can see the Emmy on my mantelpiece!!
Day Two
After arguing all night with the lawyers (some of whom are my relatives, the ungrateful shysters), I’ve been told I can’t have a battle to the death, but I can keep the contestants segregated in racial groups. I may still be able to get rich and famous off this.
Day Three
For the first competition, I’m cutting off the food for everyone. They’re going to have to live off the land.
Day Twenty
The Asians have eaten all the rats, snails, and slimy low tide sea creatures. One day they had a big banquet. I later discovered my wife’s toy poodles, Iggy and Ziggy, disappeared. They even invited me to the banquet. I shouldn’t have had seconds.
The Whites have built boats and nets and are selling fish to my camera crew.
The Mexicans were each 100 lbs overweight at the start and appear to be living off their fat.
The Schwarzers have eaten all the monkeys on the island.
Day Twenty-One
The Schwarzers had a big barbecue and now I find out one of the Mexicans is missing!!. I’ve told my cousin Bernie to fly back to L.A. and find a replacement. Thank goodness, there’s an endless supply. I may have to do a little editing and pay off some relatives. I’ll tell them it was a shark.
Day Twenty-Two
I’ve decided to start feeding the contestants again while I’ve still got my camera crew alive and undigested. I need to come up with some other competitions so the Schwarzers will stand a chance of winning.
Day Twenty-Three
After adding short-distance running, tree climbing and spear-throwing to the events, the Schwarzers have made a big comeback. I’ve got to come up with something else that will be a sure thing for them.
Day Twenty-Four
Last night, someone stole the seats, wheels and stereo off my Mercedes. I can hear Mexican music coming from the jungle!! I’m going to leave those damn Latino looters on this island. Let them try to sneak back into the US from across the ocean!
Day Twenty-Five
I’ve got it. The final competition will be a long term exposure to the sun. Sure, it’s a little bit obvious I’m stacking the deck against the Whites, but I need that politically correct ending. Maybe next time, they’ll let me arm everyone with fifteenth century weapons…